HEY BIG SPENDER [johnny]

[vurbur]

She didn’t know what would be better: if she was drunk or if she was high, when she had to go to work. She didn’t feel comfortable with her body like the other women who danced were. She didn’t have enough breasts to fill the tops until she pushed them up with a bra and while she knew she had nice legs, being told many times over and over again that they were nice, she was not as confident about her butt. She looked over at the bottle of Bacardi rum and opened the bottom, pouring herself a drink and mixing with the coca-cola she had in her bag. She downed it barely remembering the taste, but she welcomed the burn. This helped her deal with more than just her low self-esteem, but to cope with what had happened to her, again, last night.

It was a low drizzle of rain and the shelter was already full. She spends all of her money on drugs, alcohol, and food – she can’t afford to live in a nice fancy apartment. So she went home with this big burly man, but she knew he wasn’t going to let her sleep all night. He hardly left her alone and he made her have sex with him over and over again. She said no, but he kept going and when she tried to fall asleep beneath him, he woke her up. She was tired and exhausted, but she knew this was the only life she could live. She wasn’t good enough to be on any man’s arm, her life was a crap out since she left New Jersey.

There was no use dwelling on it, she needed to cover the bruises from the sex she had the night before. She glanced at her coworkers, but no one said anything as she covered up each spot and did the makeup that no one else would help her with. They all helped each other and talked about their life, but they made her their outcast, she was still a rookie and she was struggling. These girls had socialite boyfriends and husbands while she had the greaseballs they danced for take her home. At this rate, she would never earn their respect.

She convinced herself she didn’t want it as she downed some pills – a lethal combination, but she did it when she didn’t want to deal with the reality of what she really was: good for nothing. These were times where she wished she didn’t mess up with johnny, and she didn’t know what he was doing now but she would do anything to try see him again. she didn’t need his help, but if he saw her on her good days, where the sun shined and she was awesome, she would show him she was fine without him – even if she wasn’t fine.

It was showtime, and she followed among her workers. The same routines, at least dancing made her happy, but it was as if she didn’t feel or like what she was doing, she was just moving like she had been taught. She was back-up vocals, and they all moved in their choreographed fashions. The lights were bright and hot, but the moment she thought she saw Johnny in the crowd, she froze, but immediately stumbled and went back into dancing. As they ushered back, some to switch out, they pulled her out. They were putting a waitress in her spot and she would go serve tables. Which was fine, she needed the tips. Staggering out there she went where told and avoided Johnny.


words // 600
tagged // johnny (jessie)
notes // pitiful start, forgive me jessiebby.
wearing // this

[johnny]

.

Rumors were rumors, but he couldn’t help but investigate. Grabbing a couple of his buddies, he paid the tickets to get into the burlesque club and told them he would buy a couple rounds of shots. He would, that was no problem, but his blue eyes scanned the room every couple of seconds. That stupid addicting gossip blog had warned him that Vivienne was here, and he wondered if she had followed him or had come on her own time. Either way, in his eyes, she was not welcome. That was what Johnny was telling himself, anyways. His heart beat fast at the thought of the time they had spent together, the amount of love that had been exchanged, only to be ruin by her. She would not be allowed to have him back, he swore to himself, he just wanted to see that she was alright. But even that lie had a sour taste on his tongue.

Another girl instead had captured his mind and his eyes drifted shut for a moment, taking in the petite brunette who was perfection in his mind. Vienna (he had to have a V fetish, now didn’t he?) had many layers, almost like a onion, that he wanted to understand. He wanted to understand what made her tick, what had happened in her life that was killing her inside, and he wanted to be honest. But there was no way that Johnny could be honest about Vivienne and what had happened between the two. His first love and his possible next could intermingled and have no idea what was happening and who they were talking to. Johnny just wanted to be happy, and apparently that was too much to ask for.

The music began and his friend yelled with excitement, but Johnny stayed quiet. Honestly, he would have never thought this was where Vivienne would end up. She seemed so perfect and happy to be dancing, and yet, practically dancing naked in front of strangers for money didn’t seem like something she would do. Or, well, the Vivienne he had once known. That girl was probably gone and had disappeared from who he had known. Dancing had been her thing like sports had been his and this was not dancing. This was stripping in a sense and he hated that. He hated knowing that she had gone down the wrong path.

There she was. His eyes looked her up and down from his shady corner and sighed. None of his friends noticed, and that was good. It would be hard to explain as to why he was sighing right now. The rumors were true and he wanted to talk to her. His heart began to beat fast, most likely from nervousness, but he didn’t know. Hell, he didn’t know why he had come. Johnny knew he shouldn’t have. There would be no easy way to tell his sister or Vienna or anyone for that matter. There was only the truth and people hated the truth. The truth hurts and Johnny knew that very well.

The dancers ran off stage and his view was cut off. A waitress came over and he took in the brown locks, wishing they would turn gold. But his eyes scanned the people around and landed on the blond who had captured his eyes. Excusing himself, he pushed his way through the crowd to the girl he wanted to see, the girl he wanted to talk to. And at last, he reached her, his eyes staring her down with kindness trying to hide betrayal and heartbreak. ”A little far from Jersey, dontchya think?”

WHAT SHE IS WEARING

[vurbur]

She hated this feeling of fleeting terror knowing that Johnny was here, where she worked and he would see her if he hadn’t already. The Velvet Revolver shouldn’t have been a place her ex-boyfriend should have ever stepped into. The Johnny she knew was kind and caring, he didn’t see woman as objects to possess and show off to other man. The better the sex appeal the girl had, the more worth they would have and she knew that eventually she could be replaced if she didn’t find something about her body that could turn on a man. All she had were her legs and if she could go without anything, she would save up to get breast implants, but she was hardly surviving and it wasn’t a feasible feat to try to obtain. All she wanted was to have a place, a dry place, that didn’t involve sex; to sleep tonight.

She was scanning the crowd for a possible man to take her home. Her hips swayed and she deliberately stepped in a way to make herself look as sexy as possible. The men soaked her up for all that she was and she gave them flirty smiles and chatted idly. A lot of them reached out to touch her costumes and she smiled, leaning in to some of the touches for them to get a better feel. She would giggle and go get their drinks, any little tip helped, anything they could give her helped. A confidence boost is what she was normally rewarded with and she happily soaked it up. She needed it, she was high out of her mind, but it still warmed her heart to be called pretty. She didn’t feel like she was worth anything anymore and if they told her she was worth something, she was happy enough to keep living another day.

Her eyes would flutter back to Jonny’s table; it was the last thing she wanted. She didn’t want to talk to him. Just seeing his face was sending back memories of their time together and how much she really did love him, but it hurt because knew, she just knew somewhere in her mind she would mess it up. She did mess it up, she was the one who broke it off, but when she was this desperate to climb out of a hole she felt like she wanted him right back. It would just repeat, even if he did give her another shot – she wasn’t in a place in her life where she really felt she was ready to change. She was high, this was bliss, she didn’t want to change that part of her life, and she just didn’t want to be poor anymore.

When she heard his voice, she snapped around with customer’s drinks and glared. “Yeah, far away from New Jersey. Got a problem with it? Well, that’s too bad. I’m working, so go back with your buddies unless you have the means to pay me to stay.” She hissed as she brought the drinks over to her customers, one customer willingly pulled her into his lap and it was her job to keep him happy so she happily flirted and she shot a glare at Johnny. This was her job and she needed all the money she could get – she wasn’t doing anything wrong. She made herself comfortable in the man’s lap, he played with her and she pulled his bottom lip down with her finger and purred sweet nothings to him. Maybe tonight he had a shower and a comfortable bed at his place.


words // 600
tagged // johnny (jessie)
notes // pitiful start, forgive me jessiebby.
wearing // this

[johnny]

.

It killed him inside to know this was where she was in her life. When they had been together, she had been the prettiest girl in the world with a brightening personality. Sure, he had nothing against the dancers on stage that bore practically nothing; he knew that Vivienne could be so much more. She was a bright girl who held a very special place in his heart, and for some reason, Johnny always thought sought the best in people. He knew that she could come out of the funk she was in an do something with dancing that didn’t make her seem like, well, a slut. Hell, he could take her into his place and have her live there for a couple of months if that was what it took to make her realize that she could be so much better.

He understood that she needed money and perhaps this was the first place she got a job, but he wanted to help her. Johnny had spent years with her, loving her and needing her. She had been his world and while they had dated, he would have gone to the end of the world and back. He still would at the moment, just not in a romantic way. His eyes followed her long blond hair, down her curvy body and down her strong lean legs and felt himself become aroused. No, he wasn’t supposed to feel this way. Vivienne was just a girl whom he had dated, nothing more. He couldn’t possibly still love her in a romantic way. Johnny sighed as he stood up and made his way towards her. Already he was preparing himself for her sharp words, something he knew she had.

Her sharp words stabbed him in the chest and he blinked, completely unprepared for her sarcastic response. Sure, Johnny knew that she had a sharp tongue, but he hadn’t expected it towards him. His lips opened as though he was about to response, something sweet or crude, but he hadn’t gotten the chance as the tips of her blond hair flicked his face. His eyes glanced down at her perky ass before looking up at her as she flirted with another male. No, this was not how the night was going to go. He would pay for her if that was what it took.

And he knew it would. Sitting with his buddies, he mentioned that the blond was more his taste. A couple of wolf-whistles later, Johnny had the cash and held it up towards Vivienne. If she wanted to play dirty, he would play dirty too. If he had to pay a couple bucks for her and take her home just to be able to talk to her, then he would. Johnny knew that she liked teasing and being self-dependent, but he wanted to talk to her. It had been forever since he had seen her seen her, let alone talk to her. ”I got the money you requested, Vi” he said, his voice monotone as she came over. ”What does this get me? A conversation? Maybe even a hello?” his voice was monotone, but he had underlying anger in it. All he wanted to do was talk to her, get to know how her life was going, but she was refusing him. And Johnny hated being ignored, especially from someone who he had loved more than anything.

WHAT SHE IS WEARING

[vurbur]

Vivienne was doing her job, to the best anyone who was tipsy and high out of their mine could do. She liked the way she felt, but she didn’t like the way she felt without it. She didn’t like who she was without the pills and the alcohol. She was a dancer, but she felt she did better when she was high. she felt prettier when she was high and she felt like she was more desirable to the men who came to the Velvet Revolver when they were here. If they took her home then she felt the best about herself, but she wanted them to take her home because they wanted her, not because they pitied her lifestyle. None of them knew she was really homeless outside of these walls. Her addiction sucked up all of her money, she wasn’t able to save. It was drugs and food, all that she could afford. When she didn’t have a roof over her head and she couldn’t get in some guy’s house with him, she would sleep out in the open and wait for the university to open up so she could use the gym’s showers. They never asked her for an ID, those stupid bastards.

The man she was sitting in the lap of was a nice, firm, muscly kind of guy. He was smitten, he kept running his hands along her long legs and telling her she smelt like butterscotch and vanilla. She didn’t catch his name, so she kept it professional by calling him “hon” as much as she could. She was working her charms, the charms a prostitute back in jersey taught her. Show him your legs, the soft curvature of your thighs, make your breasts look appeasing, but don’t fake them out with the size. They didn’t appreciate the lie. If they had a fetish, be up for it if you can handle what it is. Just be willing to have fun, laugh, and above all keep your legs open and willing to let them lead and be rough. No one likes a squealer after a few bruises and ass slaps.

They were in the middle of discussing what they were going to do tonight, getting Vivienne’s hopes up for being brought home with him. When she slyly mentioned having fun in a shower to him he giggled and asked if she was into shower sex. An eager nod accompanied with complimentary giggle and nose tap – she knew she had him for the night. Now was the harder part, getting a good price from him for what they were going to do. However, like an annoying bumble bee buzzing around the flowers Johnny was back and telling her he had money for her. She looked at him, up and down as if his offer as offense to her. What did he just call her? Vi? No, her nickname was not Vi and it never had been, if he was going to go straight to nicknames than he should have at least used the right one.


“hon, what’s my name?” she murmured to the man’s who lap she was in. he knew her name, of course, her nickname. He had been murmuring it in her ear all night and she had been ready to leave with him. Now she had a big giant obstacle in her way and it came in the form of her exboyfriend. “Vivi.” The man murmured to her and she smiled at Johnny. “My name is Vivi. I don’t know who Vi is, but apparently she’s who you’re looking for. Run along.”



words // 600
tagged // johnny (jessie)
notes // pitiful start, forgive me jessiebby.
wearing // this

[johnny]

.

She wasn’t being easy on him and he wanted to kill her so badly for that. All he wanted to do was talk to her like a goddamn normal human being and she refused him. He was getting more and more pissed, he realized, as he watched his friends dig in their wallets. They had no idea who she was, only thought that he was getting his game tonight. Those thoughts were fine, he realized, as long as he could talk to the women he had loved more than anything. He wasn’t stupid; Johnny knew that she had changed, probably for the worse, but he wasn’t allowed to care anymore. Vivienne had made that very clear that one night years ago. But he held back the nasty comments from his friends and what was running through his mind as he waited for the singles. He bit his cheek and watched, slowly counting the money in his mind. There was more than enough, he presumed, to cover for the night if she stopped being stubborn and allowed him to actually pay. Not only was he single, he also was attracted to her and knew that he was going to have her tonight in the teasing manner, one way or another.

Something had happened to her, something he wanted to know. She had changed because of something. Vivienne, unless she had done a terrific job at hiding her addiction, had taken up dancing for money for something. Perhaps drugs, alcohol, or something else. It looked like she was tired of this nonsense, of pretending, and Johnny wanted to help. He was a good person and wanted to save the world, whether people liked it or not. Johnny was your average super hero, trying to cure one mistake at a time. And this whole trying to help Vivienne become a better person was no exception.

“Well, Vivi, I’ll pay you a grand to give me the attention your giving him. Your attractive, I have money, there really shouldn’t be anything for you to question,” Johnny said, glaring down at the man who was holding her. He had no idea who she was, what she was like, and only wanted her because of her looks. No, Johnny was not going to play this game. He was going to put up a goddamn fight, whether that meant overpaying or coming to the club every single damn night until he saw Vivienne personally. He would come and request his own room under a different name, just to be able to talk to her. They used to date, used to be best friends and while he wasn’t stupid, he was hoping for something. Anything. He could bid as high as she needed it. Johnny would just end up not eating for a couple of weeks, which was something he could deal with. He would just mooch off his sister for a while. And besides, the guy holding her hips and making her dance was a scum bag and probably had a wife at home.

[vurbur]

Baby blue eyes stared at Johnny, stared him down, because she didn’t want to do this. She didn’t want to cave into him, but she knew he wasn’t going to give a rest. There was no part of Vivi that wanted to go down memory road tonight with Johnny. What was he looking for? The Vivienne that didn’t exist? She was gone with the drugs, the alcohol, the mindless sex and the starvation. There was no part of the girl he loved. She was gone with the smiles, the ballet dancing, and the snuggling as they watched that 70’s show. The girl he first kissed was dead with her self-respect, but when he was waving a thousand dollars – she needed it for her addictions and she would just have to put up with memory lane to get it. She wouldn’t go without those bills hitting her hand; she refused to be tricked to do anything she didn’t want to do. She already knew deep in her stomach, that he would make her sleep with him. She didn’t want to do this, for obvious reasons but she knew she was going to do it. Only for the money, for the drugs.

The man she was sitting on, he squeezed her thighs. Her eyes questioned him, asking if he can top what Johnny was offering her. She knew he couldn’t and if she stayed she lost all that money being foolish. She needed the money and damn him for knowing that she needed it. She stood up, pulled down her skimpy skirt to glare at Johnny. She didn’t hold the glare for long, because her boss was watching, her coworkers watching, other men were watching. They wouldn’t take a woman home if she was being unpleasant to another man. She laced her arm in his and led him to a private room and then promptly left him there. She had to get her things around, but she didn’t feel like she could do it. She needed something to take the pain away. She found some liquor another girl was saving, unfortunately for that girl she was out in a table of men. She was getting better tips than Vivi tonight and Vivi needed this. Bourbon, she needed to feel the harsh burn on her throat. She tipped her back and started drinking. She coughed, choked on the liquor, it was too much.

She went back to her bag, she dug through it – it was nearly empty but the little she had left she was sure would give her the most powerful trip Johnny wouldn’t touch her. She didn’t want to remember the past with him, how much he loved her, how much she hurt him, and how everything that was happening was hurting her. She didn’t want the thoughts to come and hurt her. She only had so much available – so she took it all. She put all she had her acid and mescaline in her hand and swallowed it. Just one more swig of the mescaline before she sat and stared at the ground. She wanted to be far, far, far away from where she was at now. She put the bourbon back and crawled to get her small bag of clothes. She changed, barely covered in anything before she struts back to Johnny’s room. If he wanted to talk so bad, she dared him to try to talk through the high she knew would hit her. She was careful not to stagger as she plopped down in his lap. This was just work, nothing personal. “Ready when you are, bub.”



words // 600
tagged // johnny (jessie)
notes // oh boy, here comes the thunder.
wearing // SHE CHANGED, PLEASE LOOK

[johnny]

.

Her hand grasped his arm and he found himself being dragged into a private room. His middle finger went up and he showed it to the man who had had his hands on Vivienne’s thighs. That guy was a scum bag and while Johnny wasn’t the best person in the world, he knew for a fact that he was better than that man. Vivienne dragged him into a dimly lit room and he glanced around, taking in the maroon walls and the black curtains that seemed to pour out of every corner. He suddenly felt uncomfortable with the idea that he had just spent a grand with a girl he barely knew. She was different, and while he knew that he wanted her to be the girl he had once known, Johnny knew that that Vivienne isn’t there. There was another girl there, a girl he wasn’t familiar with. His friends were probably outside, talking about how lucky he was, but they didn’t realize how much it had cost. He wouldn’t be eating too much anytime soon, that was for sure. In fact, turning on the TV probably wouldn’t be possible as well. He would become a hermit.

This wasn’t the girl he wanted, Johnny realized as she walked back in. Her eyes were glazed over and he wondered if she had done something earlier, if she had done this when they had been dating. Probably, she was a clever and secretive one. She sat down on his lap and he wanted her to talk to him, let him know what had changed. Something had changed about her and he wanted to know what. Instead of his hands caressing her silky smooth skin, he sat there, his hands on his side. ”What happened to you, Vivi? You’ve changed” that was the understatement of the century. He could smell something on her and it seemed like a mix. And the smell was not nice. It just confirmed his thoughts of her sudden glassy eyes and he frowned. ”What did you have? Drugs? Alcohol? Both?” Johnny felt the anger build up inside of him but bit his lip. This wasn’t his problem, it wasn’t his life anymore. He tried not to care about what she was doing, what she was going through, but the caringness in him wouldn’t stop. Vivienne had been his, had been a major person in his life and he wanted her back.

Biting the inside of his lip, Johnny wondered if she would start to dance. He wouldn’t mind it, she was pretty and he knew her, but he would at the same time. This wasn’t Vivienne, this was an empty shell that pretended to be her. And he wanted the real thing, the one from years ago. But nothing he could say or do would change that and he closed his eyes before opening them again. Johnny wanted to know how she got here, how she changed, how her family was, how she was. He wanted to shoot the breeze, not do this nasty dance when she was buzzed. No, that wasn’t how Johnny rolled.

[vurbur]

There was something in the atmosphere that even where she was high out of her mind, she could sense that Johnny wasn’t going to be the typical customer she had. She did have a job to do and if he was going to waste her time than she would march back out of here. That man she just left for him probably would have given her some sort of home for the night – she really was after that and the money. She would do all other things in the way so that she could receive what she truly desired. This air Johnny gave her, the stiffness, and the nerves in his body all sang to her that he wasn’t after a dance and he wasn’t after sex. Those were the two things she knew how to do other than get high or dirt talk in a man’s ear. When Johnny spoke, she was annoyed by him. He was still as pretentious as he had been when she broke up with him. The one thing that always irritated Vivienne about Johnny when they were together was his need to save people. When would he realize that you couldn’t save them all?

Ignoring him, she put her knee in between his legs, the fabric of her clothing rest against his crotch. The other leg swung over as she straddled his leg. She was on autopilot as she danced for him, but her lips were sealed except for whatever dirty talk she could muster up from the depths of her conscious. Johnny was just another guy, that’s what she kept telling herself as she danced. She gyrated, twirled, grinding, and slight humming to the music as she danced – she would sometimes smile for him as she came close to his face. He still had the same look in his eyes as he did when they were dating. She did love him, at one point of their relationship, but it faded. The last few months of being together, she cheated on him and started getting into the wrong crowd. It was just the crowd that made her feel at home, but it wasn’t the crowd her adoptive parents wanted her in. she broke up with him, stayed out late, started failing in school until eventually she ran away altogether. Vivienne wouldn’t let Johnny call them, she was fine without anyone and she was fine.

Suddenly the world was too dizzy for her and it was blurring out before it went completely black. She didn’t know what happened, but before she knew it she was waking up in the dressing room with one of her dancers above her head. She was in trouble, they found the bourbon and she had made a mess of the burlesque club. They helped her up, but she soon understood her life was over as she knew it. She was fired now and she was being led out into the snow. The door was shut behind her; she didn’t know where to go. She fished in her pockets as she walked, the snow was thick and heavy – she was cold. It was not supposed to snow here, that was one of the biggest reasons why she moved away from New Jersey and her family – a good life. She was foolish, wasn’t she? She was just another starving person that was bound for skid row. Now no one would ever want to take her home. She stepped off into the thick snow, knowing a shortcut to the shelter. The dizziness came back, her world blurred, and with no one to wake her – she died surrounded by frigid snow that kept falling.




words // 610
tagged // johnny (jessie)
notes // RIP Vivi