I AIN'T EVEN MAD - SEVVIE

[CHARLOTTE HIRTH]

Tears were forming in her eyes as the realization hit her. She was not the only one to be admitted to the hospital lately and there was nothing she could do about it but sit outside the room. Her fiancé had called, purely to let her know, and it crushed her. Charlotte had not been there when she was needed, she had not been there for her best friend, even when Sevvie was a bitch. Sevvie had been there through everything and here Charlotte was, being a stubborn bitch. It had to end today. She had pushed her anger, or what was left of it, aside and had forced herself into the hospital. The clean rooms made her crinkle her nose but she continued to peruse the room her friend was in. All Porter had mentioned was that Sevvie had overdosed on some drugs and he had some things he needed to take care of before he met her in the hospital. Charlotte bit her lip. Had she really been that oblivious to her friend’s problems and needs? Had she really been that horrible to the people she cared about the most? She hoped not, but part of her wondered if, in fact, she had been. No wonder Sevvie hated her.

Mustering up some courage, Charlotte entered the room, a few steps in the doorway. Her best friend was lying on a bed, looking pale and much underdressed, something she had never seen. Usually Sevvie was filled with life, yet here she was, dying. Well, not really, but Charlotte wanted to exaggerate. A couple more steps and she was at the foot of the bed, tears forming in her eyes. How could she have let this happen? It wasn’t fair that everything was falling apart. Stuff like this was supposed to happen to people that were poor and ugly and had no life to live, not to pretty successful people. Yes, it sounded bad, but she couldn’t help it. All she wanted was for her best friend to wake up and smile at her and call her something funny. It was too much to ask apparently, because Sevvie continued to sleep. Charlotte threw herself onto the chair next to the bed and took one of the pillows off the ground before placing her head on the pillow. She had no idea where Sevvie’s mother was, but honestly, that was alright. She could be the mother, the sister, whatever she needed to be.

Sleep came over her moments later and she went into a dreamless sleep, something she hated. It was something she could not fight off and it was something she could not get rid of. Charlotte wanted to be five again, when her biggest worry was getting the white crayon or falling in the pile of sand, not her friend dying or anything. That was all she wanted. But she woke up with a start, her neck in pain, but her eyes fell on Sevvie. Brown eyes looked at her and Charlotte blinked, wondering if she was imaging things. It wouldn’t be the first time that happened. A small sad smile teased her lips. ”Heard you weren’t doing so well. I decided to drop by and say hello” she got out, wondering what else she was supposed to say. The brunette didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to sob, she just wanted her best friend to say something. Anything. It could be stupid or important, but Charlotte needed to be with Sevvie and hear that everything was going to get better, even if it wasn’t going to. That was all she wanted and she hoped it wasn’t too much to ask.

[steph2]

"Yedinstvennoe lyubvi i zhizni obʺedinyaet to , chto oni predstavlyayut soboĭ seriyu razocharovaniĭ tolʹko i zhdut, chtoby eto proizoshlo..."

The Russian words spoken to her her entire life were repeated over and over again as she laid in her own empty abyss. She could faintly make out the sounds of an ambulance but she pushed it to the far corners of her mind. Surprisingly, she welcomed the darkness, the peace and tranquility of it all. It beat lying and cheating to make a living; it beat having to fully face her past and that she wasn't the person she always tried to make herself out to be. It beat...well, living in general. This was so much more relaxing: like she was laying her head on Nolan's chest and he was stroking her hair, calling her his Russian Princess while fantasizing about how many kids they could have and living in some unknown utopia far away from Sapphire Bay where he'd be able to paint for a living and she'd be able to raise a family and not be so trapped by her own vices.

"The only thing love and life have in common is that they are a series of disappointments just waiting to happen..."

Maybe. She used to believe her mother so blindly. She'd been the only light that guided Svetlana through every obstacle she ever had to face. Her mother had been her rock when she needed a shoulder to lean on, her umbrella when it started to rain, her strength when she was weak. But as the years went on, their relationship went from the loving yet poor mother daughter bond to next to nothing. Svetlana began seeing her mother as a boss, as the puppet master, while Svetlana let her take control. The only time she had control was when she was shooting up another hit, popping a bunch of pills, drowning herself in a whirlwind of colors and alcoholic beverages, lips and legs, hips and bites to pass the time. She did it to drown out the memories from when she was a young child, an adolescent, a teenager, a younger adult and having the bodies of men that had been with her mother that wanted a piece of her daughter, the maid, the secretary, the event planner, the assistant. She played all the roles, reaped the benefits, but the consequences were weighing in and in the end, she was here in a hospital bed wishing her heart would give out so she'd just be six feet under. It was naive and immature to think that way-that it would be the best form of revenge on her now selfish and insanely wealthy mother- but Svetlana was...exhausted. She couldn't live her own dreams-wasn't allowed to have them...because she was too busy conforming and obeying her role model and other limb.

When a flash of a memory appeared in her mind-the vision of when she'd seen Nolan again and how devastated he'd been at her telling him the baby hadn't been his...the scent of the too-clean hospital room hit her nostrils, the sound of the heart monitor-though shallow-hit her ears, and the immensely painful feeling in her entire body ht her like a truck. She felt like she was dying all over again and she knew they couldn't give her morphine for it...not when the drugs she took could mix with them fatally. Her brown eyes groggily looked around the room on the hunt for the man that made her wake up unintentionally and upon not seeing him, she felt a sharp pain in her chest. Had he given up on her? Was her insane idea of trying to find the fastest way out the last straw? She thought the love they shared was mutual...they had talked about moving away, starting over, being themselves maybe in Europe or something-possibly back in Russia at this point. Svetlana had told him-the only person she'd ever told-that she wanted to open up a dance studio to teach little girls ballet...she'd been trying to hard to fix the bridge she'd burned with him...Why wasn't he here?

It was the unfamiliar voice that made her look over at the body. She hadn't heard her voice in so long, she had almost forgotten who it belonged to. Charmander. She didn't expect to see her. She'd heard about the baby and though Svetlana had felt horrible about not visiting her over it, she had been with Nolan that day-trying to repair the damage she had caused him. And as the thought of Nolan hit her again, she felt the tears stinging her eyes and quickly rolling down her cheeks. Without thinking twice about it, she tried to get up and out of the bed but it was obvious she was fighting through the pain of it all, "I need to find Nolan," her voice was hoarse and ached as if she hadn't used it in a long time, "Why isn't he here, Charmander?" she said it as if delusional, looking at her but not entirely looking at her, "I don't have anything to fight for if he'd not here..." she gripped the railing on the side of the bed that had been propper up so she wouldn't fall out so tightly, her knuckles turned a ghastly shade of white as she tried to hold herself up, pulling the breathing tube from her nose with trembling hands, "He's all I have," her eyes were glazed over-like she was in a trance. Though she did miss Charlotte, her best friend, like crazy, it was obvious she had replaced absolutely everyone in her life with her drug addiction and Nolan-the guy who had given her the very first hit and who had single handed managed to win over Svetlana D.

[CHARLOTTE HIRTH]

Tears gathered in her eyes as she watched Sev struggle against the bonds. Charlotte stood and gently pushed her friend onto the bed, not wanting her to get hurt. There was so much she wanted to say, but the rage that possessed her was stopping her. No, she would not say what her mind was screaming. Noah deserved to rot in hell for introducing Sev to drugs, and Charlotte deserved to sit next to him, for not being able to stop her. She should have been there, she should have seen the signs and stopped everything, but she had been angry. And this was what happened. A frantic phone call and a need to get to the hospital before Sevvie woke up, only to be awarded with Noah’s name. No, Charlotte realized, he wouldn’t be here. From what Porter had mentioned through his muffled call was that Noah was arrested for drug possession, and she would be lying if she didn’t think that was what the man deserved. However, Charlotte couldn’t scream that out. Swallowing her tears, she watched her friend closely, wondering when she would have to call the nurses in. If Svetlana kept acting like this, she would have to. And possibly call her mother, asking where in hell she was.

”Noah got arrested for drug possession. I just got off the phone with the police department and they said he’ll be there.” she said, referring to the phone call she had made after her call with Porter. Charlotte had wanted to make sure, because if Noah came prancing in, well, she would strangle the poor man. There was no way she was going to continue this charade that everything was alright, because it wasn’t. Everything was wrong and Charlotte had to take control of the situation. Words were poking at her tongue and she knew she had to say what she was thinking. ”Sev, how did we get like this?” she asked her friend, sitting back down on the chair. ”Everything was fine months ago. And now everything is falling apart.” her eyes flashed at the thought that her friend hadn’t even called to wish her well after the time she had been in the hospital. But she knew that was how Sevvie worked; she, after all, was just as stubborn. That was why they got along so well. Similar personalities often led to a horrible fight and that soon led to ending months later.

”Noah’s not coming. Calm down. He can’t come and you can’t see him because you overdosed and are required to stay here. I don’t want to call the doctors in, but I will if I have to” the words came out sharper then intended, but Charlotte didn’t blink. She couldn’t be weak; she was the strong one. That was who she had always been. Reese was the ditz, Sevvie the stubborn one, Shasta the self-absorbed, and she, the emotionally strong one. No one got underneath her skin, but as she saw her friend frantically looking for the man that had enabled her, it brought rage. He had been the one to do this, and she wanted him more than her or her mother. There was something wrong and Charlotte wondered if the only solution would be to cut her off completely. Rehab wasn’t that hard and the doctors had given her the name of a good facility after she had lied and said she was Sevvie’s sister. Hell, if she had to keep Svetlana at her house for a few weeks, then so be it. Porter would have to deal and Charlotte would take complete control over the situation.

[steph2]

"Nolan..." Svetlana seemed to calm down, maybe from how tired she was, as Charlotte explained what happened, "His name is Nolan..." she mumbled to her as she sank into the bed and curled up in a corner of it. She was facing Charlotte but all she wanted to do was disappear. She should have died. She shouldn't be in a hospital bed still breathing, "I love him, Charlotte..." sh felt her eyes watering up at the thought of Nolan sitting in jail. She'd rather be there with him than have him in there by himself. She couldn't even bring herself to imagine what he was going through...alone. Again because of her. He was only ever going through something horrible when she was involved, "He was probably only selling because I'm running out of money," she felt like her voice was hoarse but she continued anyway, "It would probably do everyone some good if I wasn't here anymore...Why are you even here? I thought I was the evil slut-mistress," she locked her eyes with Charlotte's figure, "You know I only slept with him to get you out of marrying him...you had told me you didn't love him and I didn't know you did until after...I'm sorry," she was rambling and she knew she was. But he rambling sounded more like she was just trying to get it out before she died or something.

If she could-she'd do the overdose all over again only this time, make sure she succeeded. She was just so damn tired of her life and how it was going. She had no idea how to make it better and how could she tell Charlotte about it? Charlotte didn't know what it was like to sleep on the cold floor in the middle of a snow storm with barely anything to eat. She didn't know what it was like to not have money and everything she had here. The most she could relate to Charlotte right now was that they had both been denying themselves their true affections toward two men who originally weren't right for them but then turned out to be the perfect fit, "I heard about the baby..." she reached a frail looking arm out and grabbed Charlotte's, barely being able to give it a squeeze, "Don't let it ruin what you have with him," she was telling her, truly, from experience and it was obvious by the way her tears spilled over at the thought of losing Porter's baby months ago. Svetlana used to wish it was Nolan's or pretend it was but she'd killed it...Charlotte hadn't. The baby had torn her and Nolan apart-she couldn't let a similar situation tear Charlotte and Porter apart, "If anything use it to make you stronger...Or you'll end up like me."

It was the plain and simple truth. If Charlotte let the death of her and Porter's baby get in the way of the fact that she still loved Porter, she might end up doing something drastic like Svetlana and Sevvie would never forgive herself if something like that happened to her.

ooc: sorry it's so short! Trying to get back into the swing of things!

[CHARLOTTE HIRTH]

Nolan. She should have remembered that, but a part of her didn’t honestly care. Nolan was someone who had brought out the worst in her friend and she really could care less what the hell his name was. But she sat there, her hands turning in her lap as she listened to Svetlana. No, it was not love. It was an infatuation, she assumed, and it had been mistaken for love. While Charlotte was open for all types of love relationships, this was one she was sure she would never approve of. There was nothing in it that would benefit her friend. ”I know sweetheart” she said, feeling the lie on her tongue. But her eyes were reaching the lie for once and she hoped to god that even for now, Svetlana would believe her. This was not the time to talk about feeling. She couldn’t even come clean with her feelings about everything right now. ”I’m sure that there’s another reason. Selling drugs isn’t an excuse for anything” Charlotte said, her throat feeling hoarse from all the emotions going through her systems. ”Sevvie don’t say that! I don’t know what I would do without you most of the time…” her voice trailed off as she heard the rest of her best friend’s statement. Why was she here? There were multiple reasons, none of them what she thought Svetlana would believe. ”I know the reasons why you did what you did. And I was angry, but I needed to cool off. I can’t stay mad at your forever. We’re best friends and I’m always here for you.” Charlotte said, looking at her best friend ”And I’m sorry I stayed mad this long when you were going through a hard time”

”I want you to be able to talk to me, Sev, about everything.” she begged, wondering what exactly was going through the brunette’s mind. Everything was just so damn confusing right now and she just wanted to understand everything. Sure, she didn’t know what it was like to Svetlana and what her best friend was going through, but she wanted to. She wanted to be able to hold her and tell her things will get better and make her laugh and realize just how important she was. If that meant allowing Nolan to come into their inner circle, then so be it. The last thing she wanted was to lose her best friend, in any way shape or form. Tears were brought to her eyes as the baby suddenly appeared in the conversation. It was a sensitive topic and she kept trying to push it aside now, pretending that everything was the way it was before. But it wasn’t and Svetlana proved that. ”It’s just so hard. He’s pushing me away and it’s just so hard…” she whispered, clutching her hands so tightly that her knuckles began to turn white. ”But it’s just something we have to work on. I don’t know what’ll happen to me if he leaves me.” she admitted, realizing it was the first time she had ever admitted that aloud. Usually it was implied, but saying it made it seem so much real.

It was hard, talking about babies with Svetlana. Her friend had gone through something that Charlotte had wanted and tossed it aside. But she pushed away the bitterness. No, it was time to focus on someone other than her. She would never forgive herself if something happened to Svetlana.