And Pray To God He Hears You [Svetlana]

[hkblood]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: dddddd; border: #cccccc solid 8px; width: 420px; padding: 15 5 15 5px;] AND PRAY TO GOD HE HEARS YOU The Words: 800 The Outfit: this The Notes: here we go Rain, downpour, nowhere to go but to run until he found something for shelter; anything would do at this point. The only thing that held him back from crawling underneath cars was he hated them and they smelt like gas. He could bet the quarter he found earlier in the day that petrol smelled better than a homeless guy. He was pulling on car door handles, setting some of their alarms off; he would arch away and scatter, like a scared cat to watch their owners come running for them. Fuck motor vehicles, all they did was ruin the world. He was starving, hunger had been so vivid and he didn’t know how long someone could live without food, but maybe he was getting close to death. It was fine; it would be fine if he was dead. Even if he was rotting on the side of the road he would never be good enough for the woman he so madly loved. He would never be welcomed back into his family; never would he be able to right all the terrible mistakes he did. Now that he was at the bottom rung, at the lowest point in his life – he just needed somewhere to curl up and die. Maybe a car would hit him and that would be it – he could crumble underneath himself. He quit dealing drugs and he saw people who used to buy from him. He saw their looks of disgust and the belittlement of whatever human self-worth Nolan had left in him. He was so angry; he never stopped feeling hurt, angry, betrayed, and thrown out since the night she left. It was all that was there, all that was left – he hated her more than anything. He hated dreaming of her when he slept so he only slept the bare minimum. He hated it when he thought he saw her somewhere in town and it wasn’t her and knowing his hopes had flared up and collapsed. He hated that she killed their baby. It had to be his baby; there was more of a chance that it was his than any other guys, right? He hated that he madly, vividly, desperately loved her with all that was left of his disgusting little self. His own odor repulsed even him, but no matter how many water bathes he doused himself in – he still smelled like homeless. Digging in trashcans to survive, he was sure he ate some moldy food and it made him vomit for hours, but he had to do it. He kept holding on, desperately that they would meet. That he would meet Svetlana that she would tell him she was sorry, that she loved him, and she wanted to be with him. It was a sick and delusion wish that kept him alive, but soon he would die. He would rot somewhere, no one would know who he was, and no one would say he was missing. He would die as nobody tonight. Deciding that tonight was his night to curl up and die, ultimately he knew that he wanted to be comfortable when his lungs collapsed, his heart gave out, and his mind put him to rest. He wanted to be comfy and maybe he knew he wanted someone to find him. He needed someone that knew his face so they could call him in dead and he knew right where to go; the basement he used to live in before he met princess, they would find him and know his name. He started that direction, running, and stumbling, all the same. He was going to lay himself to rest. He was excited and he was ready. He was ready not to hurt so much. He was ready to stop crying about her. He was so ready for the light he could swear he could see – wait, that was a car he just barely missed getting hit by. He pushed open the door to see her, the one coveted person in his life, but it felt so wrong now. He was here to die and why was she here? Was she here? To watch him die? To laugh at how pitiful he was? He almost wanted to turn around and leave. A part of him wanted her to chase him. He wanted her to want him, but he was barely there mentally and physically he looked and smelled like a wet, stray dog. He stumbled, as if he was drunk, over to the damp mattress. He stared at the cement wall, closing his eyes; he couldn’t bring himself to speak. The ambiguity clogged his throat and he didn’t know if he could say anything to her. He was so desperate for her. Pray she says loves him, he would die at peace. created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL

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[steph2]

At first, she didn't go looking for him. She knew he wouldn't stay at the house and, hell, she wouldn't want to stay there either. She had walked to the club to get her car and stayed in there majority of the time. She went to her mother's everyday since her mother wanted to start up her plan. So Svetlana dressed the part of the helpless Russian maid there to bend to his every whim. Which meant she couldn't be high half the day when she was "working". Which, in turn, also meant she was cranky and irrationally moody but she managed to keep it under wraps to keep at least her mother happy with the results. She had husband number eight wrapped around her fingers and all she had to do was bend over at certain angles and clean things close to him. But even with her keeping busy, she'd somehow managed to end up at the aquarium where she called Porter to tell him to chase after Charlotte, advice she should take when it came to Nolan. She hadn't...because once again her pride had gotten the better of her.

So now she sat in his basement. She'd been sitting there for an hour not looking at anything in particular. It was just...it had his presence and that was enough to keep her satisfied for the moment. She didn't look glamorous, at all. She wore a slightly sheer navy tank top and tiny distressed shorts with some flats. Her hair was flattened against her head from the rain and she was soaked to the bone. She was pale, as she'd become over the course of her addiction, and she had dark circles around her eyes. In many way, Svetlana looked hollow. Track marks had started, already, forming along her arms. They were faint but they were there and they would be there for the rest of her life for all she knew. When she heard someone come in, she immediately looked up, hopeful that it was him.

But when her eyes landed on him, she had to force herself not to rush over and hold him up. Chances are, he wouldn't want her touching him. As he collapsed on the bed, however, she hesitantly went over to him and sat on the cement floor right next to his head and stroked his hair back as her dark eyes wavered while looking at him, seeing how much she'd destroyed him...by being herself. How could he love such a monster? She was only worth one night. Not a lifetime, "I'm sorry," she said quietly to him, her voice hoarse from having not used it in what felt like forever. She didn't have to talk while at work. She was supposed to not know English, "I..." but she hesitated again. Why was it so hard to say she loved him? She didn't even know, "You're more than good enough, Nolan," she bit her lower lip, "You're too good to me...to everyone..." but she stopped and traced her fingers along his jaw line before locking her eyes onto his.

Then it just flowed from her lips as if there had never been anything there to stop them in the first place, "I love you, babe," she could feel tears streaming down her cheeks, "I love you so much it hurts and aches and burns right through every inch of me," she swallowed back the knot in her throat, "but..." she could feel herself trembling with the thoughts of another hit in the back of her mind. She'd only had one hit that day, the rest of it was at her house where she hadn't gone since she left, "I'm not good for you," she let it come out. She had to. He had to know, "I'm not worth shit," she bit her lower lip, "Hell, I couldn't even keep my legs closed for the life of me. That's all I've ever been good for and it's all I ever will be good for. But...I don't want you to be with anyone else...because I'm selfish and greedy and I only want you for me..." she leaned in and pressed her forehead against his, "So please...be with me?"

It was so simple. Just be with me. Just exist, together, hand in hand.

[hkblood]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: dddddd; border: #cccccc solid 8px; width: 420px; padding: 15 5 15 5px;] AND PRAY TO GOD HE HEARS YOU The Words: 1211 The Outfit: this The Notes: Edited! He needed her, but he didn’t want her to come pity him if it was just for pity. Maybe she just needed more skag, but he had news for her – he wasn’t going to be her dealer. She was one of the reasons wy he stopped, because knowing that he had ruined her killed him inside and it was just miserable. It was because he loved her, he loved her so fucking much, that he couldn’t do it anymore. He tried with other clients, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t give it to his regulars without giving them a stone cold face. They were destroyed too and it was because of him. He had the walking dominos affect and now he recalled why he started dealing in the first place. To ruin other’s lives, particularly the wealthy, as drugs had destroyed his own good standing. His own house that was big like theirs, his car he was going to get on his sixteenth birthday, and the inheritance he would have had from his grandpa, but it never came through. If his life had been so easily destroyed by drugs, than he would do it to others, but when it came to Svetlana, everything he had been living for was instantly wrong. He wanted her to be happy, he wanted her to be happy with him, but none of it happened and everything – he destroyed everything. When she left that night he kept ripping down everything he made destroying each canvas, each work of art. The dinner he made her threw at the ground just to make him feel better. He couldn’t stop himself; it had been an entire different person within him at the moment. As if there was someone else in his body that all this pent up rage about his life and where he was going. He destroyed the phone she bought him, because at the time, he never wanted to see her again. The last thing he destroyed was their very line of communication. The phone she passed down to him and he regretted it and admired it in one sitting – he would have crawled back to her if he had it with him. He didn’t take anything with him when he left that house, just himself. No extra clothes, because she bought his new wardrobe and there was no clothes that were his. The clothes he wore on his back she bought, but he wore them to the point where the stench of his own person would never come out of them. He didn’t want to be wearing them anymore; he would have rather ran around naked like a chicken with its head chopped off. Now he was here, laying himself to rest in front of her. It sounded dramatic, even to Nolan, but he also felt it was the truth. It had been almost three days since his last meal, little sleep, the only thing he kept in him was water. He only made it a few days without with the will to survive and become someone worthy, but then he crashed – now he wanted to die. He loathed himself, his life, where he was, how he couldn’t get anywhere. He just wanted that damn baby to be his, even if it was dead now – because then he wouldn’t have known that there was someone else. That while he stayed at her house painting her pictures and making food she would never eat with him – she had sex with someone and got pregnant by his seed. It pissed Nolan off even now while they were in the same room. He wanted to ruin that sonofabitch’s life with drugs. That would make him happy, that would fix his issues. Svetlana was his love and how dare he get her pregnant. That was Nolan’s job, because that was the woman he loved and he wanted to become someone worthy of her love. It seemed so unattainable, the dream of marrying her and having babies with her. But hey, he was dying, it didn’t matter what he thought now. He hoped that she was happy, because he loved her – he wished nothing but the best for her. She deserved nothing but the best and he knew she had her way of getting it. He saw her one last time before his death and he would die easy. His heart could give out any minute and somewhere in his little deranged head he was happy. He was happy at the fact that she was with him, while he descended down, his body shutting off – it was a blessing to Nolan and he would treasure it his way into the afterlife. There was an angel, maybe his grandfather that when he was alive loved Nolan, watching over him right now, smiling, with the last gift life could give Nolan. To die next to the woman he loved – he would thank him when he got there. She was telling him that he was too good for her and for everyone, but he didn’t feel it anymore. He didn’t feel good enough for her anymore. It had been his goal, but he was at the end of his limits. He quit weed, but that had been hard because some days he needed a good high to be put out of his misery. He quit dealing, and truthfully, he had collected job applications, but used them later for toilet paper so, it defeated the purpose. He didn’t really care about getting a job when he had to take a dump. He couldn’t live without her and he just wanted her to be quiet and sit with her until his heart gave out form exhaustion. He loved her so much. He loved the color of her skin, but looking at her it wasn’t the same. She didn’t look as lovely as she used too. She was wearing down, like him, and he didn’t want to acknowledge the track marks on her arms. Her hair, god he loved her hair and the color and how it flowed and he was fascinated and he just wanted to run his fingers through it one last time. Her eyes, her cute nose, her full, sexy lips, and he loved everything about her face. When she said it him, that she loved him, she started to cry and he started to cry in response. It’s all he wanted to hear, it was so powerful. “I love you, my princess.” He murmured back to her as she said how it felt and he felt the same and he didn’t know why he was crying, but he couldn’t stop himself. It was pent-up from guilt and love for her. He was tired and everything was so draining. What was she saying? He couldn’t hear her it seemed. “Princess, baby, sugar, I love you so much. Hasn’t been a day, but I’m so tired right now. I’m sorry I flipped out and broke everything and the phone, and dinner, and all my paintings. And I hurt you, I’m sorry. I was shocked, I’m sorry.” He reached up, to run his fingers through her hair, her lovely hair. “I just wanna sleep, now. I’m sorry I wish I could fix this, I’m just so tired.” created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL

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[steph2]

As he said he was tired, she swallowed back the knot in her throat and then reached over and put his arm over her shoulders. Trying to take the majority of his weight, she headed over to the bathroom, "You don't need to fix anything. I do," she murmured, figuring he wouldn't be able to hear her anyway from how exhausted he was. Truth was, despite smelling like road kill, she didn't care. They were right next to each other and she'd seen and smelled worse though he probably wouldn't believe her if she told him. Turning on the bathwater so it was warm, she managed to get all his clothing off and get him into the tub to relax. When she was younger, living in Russia, she used to have to do this with her mother when her mother was too tired from work to do it herself. It surprised her how easily it came back to her; like she was five years old again and struggling to get her mother's dress up and over her head so it wouldn't get ruined.

Once he was in the bath, she grabbed a wash rag from the cabinet and with some soap started scrubbing at his skin. She got the shampoo and conditioner in his hair and scrubbed away at that too. She washed all the dirt and muck off of him until his skin was the smooth ivory it once was and she made sure not to be rough about it so he could at least relax a bit while she did so. Once she was done, despite being tired herself and having trembling hands from not having had a hit in a while, she drained the tub and wrapped a warm bathrobe around him until she could steal some clothes from another part of the house later. She left him sitting on the lid of the toilet as she went into the kitchen and after hunting down enough ingredients, made the easiest thing on the planet: cheeseburgers. She made a good four of them for Nolan, knowing he would be lured in by the smell but didn't make any for herself. She wasn't hungry. At least, she wasn't hungry for that.

As she looked over her thin shoulder at him, she brought the large platter full of cheeseburgers over to him and holding one up, she opened her mouth for him to mimic her movements and then had him take a bite out of it. Her hollow eyes wavered as she watched him. Once he had a full belly, she was sure he'd wake up and realize it was silly for him to say he loved her back after everything she had put him through. She slept with someone else, got pregnant by them, and the worst part was: she couldn't even keep it alive for more than a month or two. Her addiction came before a child-regardless of who the father was-and it was sad to think she put an inanimate substance before human life. She would never get an abortion in the right state of mind but she didn't have to. She did it herself with every injection, every snort, every pull. It was her own fault her body was a wreck. She'd been so hellbent on not remembering, trying to forget all the issues she had, to stop feeling anything that could eat away at her that she didn't realize what she got was exactly that but in reality. Not her expectations.

She always thought of skag as being over glamorized and now she understood why. Show the true effects and there was no point in selling it to anyone if they would end up looking the way she did. Though she still had the same features, she had ugly track marks up and down her skinny arms, she had lost a considerable and very noticeable amount of weight. Her eyes that once sparkled with lust and adventure were now hollowed and empty. The only sparkle that appeared was whenever she saw Nolan who was now destroyed in front of her by her own doing. She destroyed everyone and everything she touched. How many marriages had she broken up? How many men had she voluntarily seduced in order to extort money out of them? How many people did she have to step on just to feel some kind of gratification or satisfaction?

Softly and tenderly, she ran her fingers through his hair to push it back as she watched him eat, "We'll be okay," she said quietly. Their relationship had begun with drugs and she was hoping, praying to some higher power that it wouldn't end with them...though with the way things were going lately, it wouldn't be a surprise if they did.

[hkblood]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: dddddd; border: #cccccc solid 8px; width: 420px; padding: 15 5 15 5px;] AND PRAY TO GOD HE HEARS YOU The Words: 767 The Outfit: this The Notes: Cheesburger sex. The bed felt so comfortable, he could feel every muscle just release all tensions and relax. This was a perfect ending to his pathetic little life. Next to the woman he loved, after kicking himself around dirty streets hoping she would drive by in her fancy car and bring him home. He felt his eyes loll to the back of his head and he closed them to keep from worrying Svetlana. The last thing he wanted was to cause his beloved any sort of discomfort at this moment. They both loved each other; both told the other and received the other’s love in return. Now, Nolan refused to let go of her words. He couldn’t tell if she was high, he didn’t care if she was - she said it to him. She said “I love you, babe.” He heard it and it was on repeat in his head. Putting an arm around his shoulders, she lifted him up from the ground. At first he made a slight whine in protest. No, he didn’t want to stand, he didn’t want to move. He stumbled at first, but when she had him upright his weight leaned against her, practically crushing her with how heavy he felt he must have been. He stumbled up the stairs, he felt his hands jut out in front of him, to catch his balance in case he started falling forward; she kept him from falling backwards. He wasn’t sure where she was looking to take him – they were lucky the family wasn’t home to yell and scream at them. Suddenly, he understood what she was trying to do and he led her to the bathroom. He took quick showers in here, but he didn’t want a shower – the water would push him down. She pulled his clothes off of him and made another cry of discomfort. They were like skin, they had been infused with whatever scrapes and bruises he gave himself. He felt raw and exposed, but she got him into the bath rub and everything was warm. His skin burned in places, but the water was warm and she was there. How could she stand his foul odor? She must love him or she would have left him there to die. She wouldn’t be here with him. There was some person watching over both of them – he was thankful. He opened his eyes trying to focus on her, she seemed so pale – why did she look so bad? He really destroyed her, didn’t he? He kicked the side of the tub in anger at himself. Why did he do it? Why did he sell drugs to people? He didn’t know he was going to fall in love with her, but it didn’t make any difference. Now she here and had to take care of his pathetic ass. She was so gentle, but she was so amazing thorough. Her gentle scrubbing felt good – she cleaned all the places for him. “Love you…” He murmured to her as she scrubbed his hair. “I love you, princess.” She emptied the bathwater, with all the filth that he was. Now, he was clean and he felt like he had a little more energy to do something. He put the effort to sit on the toilet while she wandered away. He watched her, she seemed so small. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, hug her, cuddle close and sleep until the world seemed better for both of them. She was cooking? The smell made him go find her making cheeseburgers on the stove. For the love all things that he loved, she was the woman for him. He sat down in a chair and when she brought over the food, he wanted to cry. He loved this woman so much it was almost unbearable. After eating one cheeseburger, he pulled a part a piece of the next – a little bite-sized piece. Reaching out, his thumb pulled at her bottom lip, opening her mouth and putting a piece of the cheese burger in her mouth. “I’ll feed you, my love. I’ll take care of you, too.” He would eat a piece he broke off and then would feed her a piece. He made her eat with him until everything was gone. He pulled her into a hug, resting his head on her shoulder, he kissed her skin and then he kissed her lips. He loved her. “I love you so much. Can we make love right now? Probably won’t be the best, but – I need to let you know how much you mean to me.” created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL

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